seriously, i dont know where to start.. been jobless since september... already in the USA for more than 2 months.. everyday seem like a dream...a dream that already turned into reality yet i still feels like im still living in the dream... sleep, eat and search for job on daily basis is what i do best now.... it is frusfrating that i keep doing the same thing yet i cant seem to find any job.. i just a need a job to occupy my time here... sometimes, sitting alone quietly at home does freak me out but i got to stay patient... i know my bf is trying his best to help me up.. to accompany me as much as he can.. and to shower me with love and care.. i can be considered the luckiest woman on earth but somehow deep down inside of me i feel useless.. i feel horrible that all i can do is to sit in from of this laptop writing this blog, posting resume and applying for job and did nothing else...
i really dont know how to describe how i exactly i feel... i am happy that now i can be with him everyday...because he is the best thing that can happened to me in my life.. and i really want to spend the rest of my life with him.. i really did try very hard to stay positive all the time but sometimes i am worried we may need to be separate again due to some law and application issues... i really dont wish that to happen... i mean... i know about law of attraction.. you got to think positive and be positive so that you can manifest it but at the end of the day, im just a normal human being.. im not perfect and im trying my best to stay positive.. i really do... i may seem very negative each time someone talk to me but only God knows that how much i pray and hope things will go smoothly for both of us..
Its going to snow here in Troy..the weather is always gray....it makes everything so down and depress... ya.. people say christmas is coming and i should be happy.. i hope i can be happy too.. each day pass by means 1 day closer to my expiration of my visa entry to USA. I love the place here for the simple fact that i can be with the person i love all the time.. nothing else.. he is more important to me than anything else in the world.. all the money in the world will not be able to buy me to stop loving him.. if only i have a wish, i only wish all his wishes come true..
I once asked a ex-coworker of mine that how he knows that his wife is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with... he only dated his wife for about 6 months before he proposed to her and she accepted it... at that time, he just looked at me and told me " when you know, you will know" and he walked away from me with a smile on his face... at that point of time, i dont understand what he meant.. is he pulling a joke on me or what? i was left confused but now i really understand what he meant.. that feeling is so hard to describe.. in fact there is no words in this world to describe the feelings.. that special moment you have for that someone special... it is totally a new air to breathe and it puts you in the place where everything else does not matter.. your whole world only revolves around him alone... and thats how i feel.. sometimes, you will just stupidly smile sweetly alone without you realized it... or for a second you went to a diffrent world that others dont understand...
Even when you are together in the same room, sometimes you just wanted to say to him that you miss him... how can you miss someone when you got the chance to see him daily? well, the word " I Miss You" is deeper than seeing a person.. it is coming from the heart.. from the soul... deep down inside a person to feel for the other party.. thats my definition...
Maybe this entry piece does not make any sense but it does makes a lot of sense to me... i have to admit, even though i have the most wonderful guy in the world to love me, i still feel hurt on certain issues.. is not easy to just say "hey Deccee, dont think about it.. you will be ok.. stop thinking negatively" If things are that simple, i think there is no sad people in this world.. there wont be any suicide case, no depression case, no more alcohol case and the sky will always have rainbows to shine down on us.. I cannot say im free from problems and i am happy as a baby... but i can say i am coping everyday.. trying my best to change everyday.. give out the best i can and sometimes when i got tired, i will break down and cry... i am not ashame to admit that sometimes i got defeated by my own feelings but i am proud of myself that i can admit what im facing and bravely face what i got to face as strong as i can.. we just cant wash our problems.. we can only face it and try our best to make the situation better.. this is what im trying to do now....
Those problems that im facing.. issues with my dad, problems with my mum, breakfree from tradition from the family, expectation from friends, disappointment, betrayal and many more are still there but i am proud to say those problems are not as big as it used to be.... im trying to concentrate on my present and put those as the second priority in my life... i got to keep remind myself to appreciate what is in front of me and appreciate the special and wonderful present from God... and deal those issue one step at the time... im trying my best to stay strong...
im so sorry that im not strong enough but im trying my best here....
